First we had the ghastly BNP twinning itself with the nation's favourite, Marmite, in that party political broadcast.

Now we have Family Food Fight with Flora (7.30pm, Five, 18 May). There's only one conclusion to draw: officially endorsed or not, tie-ups between brands and broadcasts don't work - not if you're Unilever, anyway. The whole cook-off by numbers offering felt horribly laboured and contrived, down to the not so subtle references to low-fat spread (I wonder which.... not).

Things did not exactly get off to a brilliant start when the narrator introduced the two competing chefs as 'food gods'. Who could she have been referring to, one wondered? The fella from Noma? The leading light at El Bulli? That dick from the Fat Duck? Nope. The 'gods' in question were Jean-Christophe Novelli... and Matt Tebbutt. Now, J-C could at a push be deserving of such a glowing epithet, but Tebbutt? I don't think so.

It didn't help that I couldn't give a monkey's about either of the hapless families the chefs were teaching to cook before the restaurant cook-off. Sacha was cheerfully using so much salt she was slowly poisoning her family, according to J-C, though was it deliberate given hubby John's refusal to lift a finger in the kitchen? And Rachel and Peter, who were addicted to satfats, claimed they weren't feeding their kids the same ready-cooked crap they were eating, but their offspring's chubby faces suggested otherwise.

J-C and Matt promptly spelt out a few home truths and taught them how to make their favourite meals using healthier ingredients (including low-fat spread, natch). Had the results looked at all appetising, I might still have been swayed, but they didn't. They looked rank.

And annoyingly, the least-deserving couple Sacha and John won, not because they were the better cooks (indeed, John went walkabout at one point, forcing J-C to literally leap into action), but because the diners preferred tiramisu to baked fruit. Who wouldn't?

That said, I'll be tuning in again. Why, I hear you cry? Well, it was only half an hour long and, how do I put this, the food may not have been tasty, but the chefs sure were!

More from this column

Topics