Shoppers revert to a feral state as the big freeze returns. Man turns on wife, parent on child and pet against pensioner as society's norms break down. There are even reports that a tribe of heavily bearded savages has been spotted shopping at Lidl.

Meanwhile, Asda proudly declares that it has learned the lessons of last year's lacklustre Christmas by doing all its shopping at Tesco.


New laws on product placement kick in, amid fears ITV will cease to be the bastion of vaulting artistic ambition that came up with Strike It Lucky. Coronation Street is renamed Quality Street, Emmerdale becomes Cravendale and Hollyoaks rebrands as I Can't Believe This Rubbish Is Still On TV. Come Dine With Me is renamed Horrify A Roomful of Pompous Idiots With Frozen Spring Rolls From Iceland's £1 Party Range.


As Sir Terry Leahy is unveiled as Kim Jong-Il's heir in North Korea, Tesco reveals the next phase of Jong-Tel's Clubcard legacy. Membership details will now be tattooed directly on to shoppers' arms for ease of scanning as they are herded through tills.

"There's nothing sinister about us recording the DNA of our shoppers," insists Richard Brasher. "And if the FSA reckons cloned meat is safe, cloned shoppers must be too."


The reception for Prince William's wedding to Kate Middleclass is alcohol-free after the Budget pushes duty so high even the royal family can't afford it.

Prince Philip's claim that "heads will roll" turns out to be eerily prescient when his wife, the head of state, is seen smoking Drum roll-ups because "they're well cheaper than Lamberts, innit".

Mark Price's pledge that Waitrose will price-match Poundland on 3,000 key items, including batteries that don't work and multipacks of Toffee Crisp from 1973, turns out to be deadly ­serious and not an elaborate April Fool prank.


Andrew Lansley leaves the tobacco trade wheezing in fury with tough new laws to stop people enjoying smoking. Packs must carry abusive, highly personal slogans questioning the hygiene and sexual potency of smokers in a bid to undermine their self-esteem, while those who continue to buy cigarettes may only smoke blindfolded beneath a leaky drainpipe while being kicked in the shins by a junior health minister. Also, they are not allowed to inhale and must dress exclusively in Sainsbury's Tu clothing to subtract credibility from claims that smoking looks cool.


Marc Bolland unveils the sensational next step of his plan to keep Marks & Spencer exactly as it was before.

"Continuity is the key," he tells shareholders at the retailer's annual Bingo convention, asking the sea of purple rinses to refer to him as 'Sir Stuart' from now on.

"The businesh must change shlooowly," he adds, having evidently forgotten it was Heineken he used to run, not Grolsch.


After its triumphant ad push with Lionel Richie, Walkers pairs Gary Lineker with yet more fading pop icons. Elton John bashes hungrily at his organ for Are You Ready (Salted) For Love? as Paul McCartney croons Let It Beef & Onion.

The vegan food company owned by McCartney's ex-wife Heather Mills is in hot water after Trading Standards finds its boxes of mock-turkey drumsticks are often a leg short of the advertised amount.


Retailers hail the exciting future-dining-retro-scratch-premium-budget-microwave trend that may or may not be sweeping the country, depending on how you cook the numbers.

"Shoppers increasingly like, or dislike, either eating out or cooking at home, using an array of futuristic retro brands they thought they'd seen the back of in the 1980s, or not," says an analyst at Kandypants Worldpanel.


Culinary homunculus Heston Blumenthal and Stepford pensioner Delia Smith take their smash double-act on tour. An epic set at Wembley Stadium with classics like 'Ginger and rhubarb crumble' and 'Heston shoves a pomegranate up a pig's arse' concludes with a 20-minute psychedelic version of Delia's 70s prog favourite 'Cheese soufflé', with a guest solo from Eric Clapton on the electric whisk.


After Amazon's shock move into grocery last year, iPod maker Apple stuns fresh produce suppliers by announcing it has the sole copyright over the popular seeded fruit with which the company shares a name.

Back in the US, Apple's inspirational founder Steve Jobs wows technophiles and Change4Lifers with the new iCore, a perfectly spherical all-white fruit that plays Beatles tunes when you bite into it.


Jamie Oliver issues an impassioned plea on behalf of the few people who still don't own his entire range of cookery books.

"It's a disgrace there are schoolkids who haven't read volumes four, five and six of my 30-Minute Meals," he rants.

One lucky Ocado shopper is surprised to find she has bought the entire company by mistake after its stockmarket valuation dips below the online retailer's minimum delivery size.


Yet again, the weather inexplicably gets a bit colder. "Rain can result in dampness of clothing and even hair," warns James Lowman of the ACS. "C-stores are ideal places to nip in and stare idly at the mags while the worst of the weather passes, or to contemplate ironically buying a Calippo."

Asda insists it has learnt the lessons of the past two winters and appoints a yeti as its new supply chain director.