As someone who enjoys dressing up in wigs and gowns I thought it my duty to provide an explanation for the forthcoming libel trial in which the poor besmirched wallflowers of Cheshunt will defend their lilywhite reputation against The Guardian, heirs to Jonathan Aitken's shining sword of truth.

I begin, m'learned friends, with the case advanced by the litigants. It is a well-known fact that the pinko scribblers of Farringdon Rd believe all property is theft, as long as it doesn't mean anyone pinching the DeLonghi foccaccia makers from their Islington residences. And because they are out of touch with the mean streets of Hertfordshire, what they don't understand is that Tesco would never dream of doing anything inappropriate on corporation tax. Or stamp duty. Or price fixing. Or anything nasty. Look into the eyes, the eyes, not around the eyes, the eyes. Tesco is cheap. Tesco pays lots of tax. You want a Tesco Extra close by. Who needs a garden anyway? When I click my fingers, recite the Clubcard Creed. And... relax.

And now, the case for the defence. Comrades, it is time to strike a blow for the most downtrodden souls in our society. Yes, even in 2008, there are still those who struggle to upgrade their Volvo each year and are forced to shop at Waitrose because Whole Foods is beyond their means. And all the while those repulsive Estuary oiks at Tesco deem it appropriate to make money, Chlamydia darling - how positively vulgar! And how unlike the Guardian Media Group, which wouldn't dream of increasing sales or making money. And especially not as a private equity-backed company engaging in that nasty offshore tax-saving stuff. Or at the very least, not until it got found out.

So who will win? Well, the fact the Lady Veronica Pumsey QC is booking Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen for a six-month makeover of her boudoir tells you all you need to know.