Babe, it's been ghastly.

That £6bn of cuts may sound like "low hanging fruit" if you're in marketing but we have already seen our £500k Farming is Fun! campaign axed, which is an absolute disaster.

Not for the farmers obviously; they couldn't care less. But we're now facing more cuts than a self-harm clinic. That's £25,000 a month of fees down the drain. What are we going to put on the timesheets now?

We tried a pre-emptive strike with The Puff & Fluff Charm Offensive on little David Laws. Full cleavage, new Chanel clogs, all the trimmings. It had absolutely no effect. Now we know why, of course, but at the time Karoline (with a K) was apoplectik ("This always works!").

Obviously my bonus is toast. "You've got to swallow it," said Miranda Streeter, a tad ambiguously. The Streaker, as we call her, is another clueless partner. What does she know? The new Louis Vuitton has opened in Bond Street and I NEED a new Stella McCartney button-through skirt.

Talking of Stella, we're hoping to make up the shortfall with a bit of crisis management. But the client didn't seem to like our new 'accentuate the positive' campaign strapline: 'From wifebeater to pricebeater'.

And The Streaker came back from Leeds with her tail between her legs after getting short shrift from Asda over a pitch to 'Save the Netto Scottie Dog' by incorporating it as the A in a new Asda logo. Still, you've got to try.

As a result I spent most of this week either on the phone or on the road. I have even struck up a new friendship. Meet my new special friend and karaoke bar comrade Lembit, who still has, he says, a hotline to power.

And apparently there's 5% VAT on packaged food on the way. Titania's exclusive. You read it here first, honeybunch.

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