It's no secret, distributive darlings, that the Pumster enjoys a light tipple from time to time. In fact, in the heyday of Pumsey's Price Palace I often obtained volume discounts from Diageo simply by restocking my own top shelf. But it did come as a surprise that I'd found my way on to Woolies' freebie list for its £5 bottle of champagne.
Despite my noble origins I'm no snob, and this is an excellent product. The bottle's contours ensure a firm grip as you're pouring it down the khazi, and with just a little shake you can squirt it right up under the rim. Beats Toilet Duck any day of the week.
It was only after the fawning Woolworths PR luvvie called that I realised I was supposed to drink the muck. "Good God, woman," I spluttered, pouring myself another Domestos Daiquiri with trembling hands. "Who do you think I am? Jamie Oliver?"
I suppose you can't blame the nation's top supplier of Tupperware and Easter Eggs for trying to jump on the price bandwagon. I think we've all just about got over the bombshell that Freeman's two-year slumber party would be 'quelle horreur!' prolonged again, and when the narcoleptic noonahs do get around to publishing anything it's odds-on that we're on the campaign trail. And what better propaganda for El Gordo than some supermarket-bashing? He can always make it up to them with a tax break if he's worried about party coffers.
Hence the hilarious spectacle of prices rising in inverse correlation to Tesco and Asda's promises to cut them (accompanied by a falsetto "me too" from King Justin, in Arabic). And how about Poultry Wars? What could be more tasteless than Asda's £2 chicken unless it's Tesco Tel, the new Farmer's Friend?
Anyway, I'm off. Lady Veronica just phoned to say she fed the nieces and nephews a pound or two of Haribo Starmix. I need to get home and scrape them off the ceiling.