‘Scum’-style scenes at the Castle View school in Canvey Island, Essex this week, where a pupil has been hurt by an unusual projectile – a triangular flapjack. Ray Winstone would be proud.

Fortunately, sense has prevailed, and triangular-shaped flapjacks are now banned at the school. Canteen staff have been told to cut the injurious snacks into squares or rectangles, instead. Problem solved! As long as no one thinks to nibble a square one into an offensive shape. Or, indeed, just lobs a rectangular flapjack across the lunch hall. They can be pretty smart, these kids.

Which is why Bogof thinks the school’s pointy food ban hasn’t gone far enough. The campaign to ban all stabby-looking scran starts here! It’s time for a nationwide amnesty on carrot sticks, Peperami and Dairylea Triangles, people. You know it makes sense.