burnt toast

One of the reasons my little emporium is so popular with the Tories is that I’m a bit of a traditionalist. I don’t really stock any of those new-fangled health foods like Sunny D (n/a) or New Coke (n/a).

Even at home I like to prepare food the old-fashioned way - veg boiled for 40 minutes precisely (30 minutes for salad vegetables) and Fray Bentos suet puds (£2.49) on the steamer for just under a day if you like them medium rare.

So I was a bit concerned to hear from the FSA that all our traditional Great British specialities like King Edward Carbonara and Charcoal ’n Vinegar crisps are to be ruthlessly banned.

Apparently it’s the Acrylamides that are to blame. So why not just send them back to Acrylia, like Mr Rees-Mogg wants to with the Bulgarians and Romanians and, well, everyone else really?

Lot of fuss over nothing. Nothing’s going to stop me taking my morning toast flambé or preparing my chips with a brûlée torch like those fancy Dans on MasterChef.

I reckon it’s the Supreme Court behind all this. Mrs May looked terribly upset when she dropped by on Tuesday for some Sanatogen (£6.99) and Bisodol (£3.95) - knocked them both back right in the shop! I do have some sympathy with her, though. I mean, she did quite well at pretending to like Brexit just to get her job, even encouraging us to get behind those creepy men who work for her to help Parliament regain its sovereignty.

So it must have come as quite a surprise to find Parliament was actually a bit too sovereign for her taste. Anyway, I sent a little present over to No 10. Well, she’s meeting Mr Trump on Friday, and I’m fairly sure she’ll want some Carex handwash (£3.95) for afterwards.