First up was a Come Dine with Me gameshow host special (9pm, C4, 24 May) featuring former Fun House frontman Pat Sharp (sans mullet), Wheel of Fortune babe Jenny Powell (who looks as hot as ever) and Brucie's ex Anthea Redfern (who doesn't, thanks to the dodgy trout pout).
Sharp was enough of a draw for me, frankly, what with the prospect of plenty of his trademark sleazy cheese and he didn't disappoint, kicking off with the 80s classic "every hole's a goal" before getting squiffy on Buck's Fizz (he's teetotal), staring intently at Powell's boobs and thoughtfully inquiring: "Jenny, do you want me to squeeze your lemon?" Redfern had served salmon with half a lemon in muslin, but really, that's no excuse!
It was the fourth contestant, however, who provided the real "OMG, what's he going to do next?" frisson that elevated this from the ridiculous to the sublime. As soon as he held aloft two cherry tomatoes and a prawn in a charming cock and balls homage, Michael Barrymore had you on the edge of your seat.
Before long he was revealing plans for a "back in the closet" party, discussing Bruce Forsyth's willy (Brucie's wife is called Wilnelia), stealing fur coats and initiating food fights. The mayhem was all part of his dastardly plan to win, though, because when it came to his turn he was on best behaviour and this, coupled with the help he had from a professional chef, pocketed him (or, more accurately, his nominated charity) the £1,000 prize.
Sadly, there were no prizes for Rhys Rosser the star of this week's other guilty TV pleasure: Junior Apprentice (9pm, BBC1, 26 May). The unfortunate-looking teen with the unfortunate-sounding moniker (it doesn't take much imagination to guess what his nickname is) got fired ostensibly for being such an ineffectual project manager that his team mates couldn't work with him, but, I suspect, it was because they were offended by his nerdiness.
It's a shame, because his inane middle-management patter was brilliant. Ah well, at least the other super-nerd, Arjun - he of the sh**-eating grin when the opposing team lost - is still in it.
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