How cringingly fantastic was The Apprentice this week? (9pm, BBC1, 1 April).
Channelling the spirit of the 'greed is good' eighties and the 'thick is better' noughties (thanks, Jade), the hapless candidates were again divided into girls and boys, and set the task of catering for a load of City high flyers at a lunch and evening do. Needless to say, neither team covered itself in glory.
Yasmina, the bolshy project manager for the ladies, volunteered because she was a restaurateur. Um, what kind of restaurant serves up brick-sized bruschettas, chicken wraps without chicken and 'blinis' that are in fact sweet pancake wraps with savoury fillings? And don't get me started on the salad that came with a free strand of hair.
Worse, and this is no disrespect to the retailer in question, she decided after last week's budget-busting fiasco that all the ingredients for her Mediterranean menu needed to be really cheap - so she went to Asda.
Neither her attempt to disguise her ingredients by adorning them with basil, nor her declaration that people wouldn't notice after a few glasses of wine impressed Margaret.
But incredibly, the boys made an even bigger mess of things and had to suffer the humiliation of serving their group dressed in tacky togas. Estate agent Philip was beside himself. "I think it's going to be an absolute farce and the menu is shit." Unfortunately, it also cost more.
Despite Paula's claim the girls' food looked like it had "come from a funeral at a working men's club", it was so cheap they made a 200% profit, while the boys incurred a loss.
Rocky, the puppy-eyed project manager, didn't stand a chance. But it was unpopular big mouth James who was the focus of attention in the final boardroom standoff.
Ever since an interviewer dissed my CV for being too "dry and academic", I have been tempted to add elaborate claims such as "I enjoy sport". But I've never come up with anything close to the brilliance of James' resumé boast that he wakes up every morning with the taste of success... in his spit.
Sir Alan needed no further ammunition. "Is that right? What, did you have a curry last night?" He probably did. In The Apprentice, after all, greed is still good.
Channelling the spirit of the 'greed is good' eighties and the 'thick is better' noughties (thanks, Jade), the hapless candidates were again divided into girls and boys, and set the task of catering for a load of City high flyers at a lunch and evening do. Needless to say, neither team covered itself in glory.
Yasmina, the bolshy project manager for the ladies, volunteered because she was a restaurateur. Um, what kind of restaurant serves up brick-sized bruschettas, chicken wraps without chicken and 'blinis' that are in fact sweet pancake wraps with savoury fillings? And don't get me started on the salad that came with a free strand of hair.
Worse, and this is no disrespect to the retailer in question, she decided after last week's budget-busting fiasco that all the ingredients for her Mediterranean menu needed to be really cheap - so she went to Asda.
Neither her attempt to disguise her ingredients by adorning them with basil, nor her declaration that people wouldn't notice after a few glasses of wine impressed Margaret.
But incredibly, the boys made an even bigger mess of things and had to suffer the humiliation of serving their group dressed in tacky togas. Estate agent Philip was beside himself. "I think it's going to be an absolute farce and the menu is shit." Unfortunately, it also cost more.
Despite Paula's claim the girls' food looked like it had "come from a funeral at a working men's club", it was so cheap they made a 200% profit, while the boys incurred a loss.
Rocky, the puppy-eyed project manager, didn't stand a chance. But it was unpopular big mouth James who was the focus of attention in the final boardroom standoff.
Ever since an interviewer dissed my CV for being too "dry and academic", I have been tempted to add elaborate claims such as "I enjoy sport". But I've never come up with anything close to the brilliance of James' resumé boast that he wakes up every morning with the taste of success... in his spit.
Sir Alan needed no further ammunition. "Is that right? What, did you have a curry last night?" He probably did. In The Apprentice, after all, greed is still good.
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