As ever, grocery brands couldn’t contain their imaginations on the high holiday that is April Fools’ Day.
We sorted through the laughs, the sighs and the products we’d love to see hit shelves.
Note: these comments and ratings are in jest and do not represent the opinions of The Grocer
Kit Kat
Take note: this is how to do an April Fools’ prank. For a start, it’s almost believable.
Instead of ‘Take A Break’, Kit Kat proposed changing its tagline to ‘Take Five’ and adding an extra (smaller) wafer finger to its bars.
However, instead of whimsy, this is likely to fill us with sadness. The antidote to shrinkflation we wish was real.
Verdict: 4/5
La Vie becomes La Mort
The plant-based bacon alternative brand that’s received rave reviews claimed to have launched actual bacon for April Fools’.
Not hugely imaginative.
And do I detect a bit of omnivore shaming in this one?
Verdict: 2/5
Aldi Scotland
Aldi never misses when it comes to national pride. Its range of candles conjured up for April Fools’ took liberties with some light-hearted stereotypes after the discounter discovered Scots love waking up to the smell of a cooked breakfast.
With that in mind, the Eau d’Écosse range features four scents epitomising Scotland: Breathtaking Beechwood Bacon, Tantalising Tattie Scone, Pudding Noir and Fiery Filled Roll.
Verdict: 4/5
Urban Fruit
The gross factor is strong in this one.
Urban Fruit’s vomit fruit flavoured snack is somewhat reminiscent of a challenge on Fear Factor. Maybe the producers of I’m A Celebrity are reading and, if so, here’s your next challenge.
Verdict: 4/5
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Milliways Plasti Chews
Milliways aped its competitors’ packaging, but with a host of plasticky flavours such as credit card, plastic straw and plastic bag. And then didn’t even put its own logo on the packaging.
Why? Because Milliways doesn’t use plastic in its gum. Talk about leaving a bad taste in people’s mouths.
Say it louder for those in the back: April Fools’ is not a day for virtue signalling.
Verdict: 1/5
Babybel
Poor, poor Babybel. Consumer research found that the round truckles were considered just too much fun. The answer to seeking out a less fun - and in the words of Bel UK, “more mature” - audience is to go square, of course.
Some would suggest attracting maturity by dumping the word ‘baby’ from the product, but listen to the branding consultants. Sadly, this product won’t be rolling out anywhere, because, well, squares don’t roll.
Verdict: 5/5
The Gym Kitchen Curry Protein Gum
Oh, if this were real. I was sold at getting my protein intake from a few chews of gum.
Why the slightly dodgy flavours? That’s less clear. But as the gym bros say: ‘No pain, no gainz’.
Verdict: 4/5
Dash Water
Wow. Fruit flavoured sparkling water? Dash Water’s offering for April Fools’ was a fruit salad variant of its infused seltzer water. Imaginative.
Cherries? Good.
Apples? Good.
Grapefruit? Good.
Limes? Good.
Strawberries? Good.
Where’s the joke? Quite frankly, this sounds like Dash’s most exciting and flavourful product yet.
Verdict: 1/5
Bear
Instead of strawberry fruit winders, Bear has mocked up some strawberry-flavoured veggie sausages.
Surely, given the swift and brutal pace of the plant-based market, many veggie sausage lovers will have tried worse. Give them a whirl. What could go wrong?
Verdict: 3/5
Liquid Diamond
The hearts of brunch babes across the capital will be broken when they realise Liquid Diamond’s pledge to fill the fountains of Trafalgar Square with prosecco for the coronation of King Charles is fake.
Could you picture a more British occasion? Filling your glass from the prosecco fountains and sauntering back to your picnic as the sun is shining, the union flags are flying high, and royalists in deck chairs are teary-eyed watching the big screens as God Save The King plays.
I’m knocking a point off for the rough Photoshop job though.
Verdict: 4/5
Birds Bakery
East Midlands’ Birds Bakery threatened us with a home that, err, smells as good as a bakery?
It pretended to launch a new range of savoury home fragrances featuring a pork pie scented candle, quiche Lorraine room spray and cheese straw reed diffuser.
Verdict: 2/5
Chimney Fire’s Clear Coffee
Chimney’s Fire makes a big song and dance of its imaginary Clear Coffee being available in both whole bean and pre-ground, and having rich tasting notes of watermelon, snow, and summer rain.
Sounds great and all, but it has missed the real marketing benefit.
No more coffee rings on your tables, no more unsightly stains in your mugs.
Fixed it.
Verdict: 3/5
Hunter & Gather chocolate mayo
If Heinz can release limited editions of its Terry’s Chocolate Orange and hot cross bun mayo, suddenly an avocado/chocolate combo doesn’t seem so far-fetched.
Don’t tease us. I say do it.
Verdict: 3/5
Tango
Apparently Tango fancied a venture into pet food. Why not chow down on a matching meal?
While you’re sipping an orange Tango, your pooch could be dining on Outrageous Orange and Duck. For apple Tango lovers, their pups could have Pawfect Pork and Tangy Apple. Not forgetting one of Tango’s newest flavours, there’s a doggy alternative for that too: Turkey and Berry Blast.
Verdict: 2/5
Earth & Wheat
Tenderstem actually went and released a broccoli wine last summer, so Earth & Wheat’s cauli chabli isn’t a huge leap.
Britain may want to have a long, hard think about its reputation on the international wine stage. What a way to repurpose wonky veg.
Verdict: 1/5
Faustino
How timely! Just as tech gurus around the world begged us to stop advancing AI, Faustino unveiled this bottle to effectively counter the argument.
Faustino, which says it is the largest vineyard owner in Rioja, is launching the first-ever AI-driven wine bottle called Faustino Futura.
The details are spot on, claiming three futuristic and super helpful features:
- Vibe check: A sensor that self-opens the bottle, only when the vibe is right
- Whiner to diner: In-built speaker that feeds the user conversation starters to use at dinner parties etc to make them appear more fun and interesting than they actually are
- Gen Z translator: Chat GPT AI feature that speaks about the wine, gives you the right jargon to show off with at dinner parties, and translates ‘wine jargon’ into Gen-Z language so you can share your love of wine with your family
Verdict: 5/5
Oodaalolly
Oodalolly presented us with a light-emitting chocolate. Not much light, mind you, only five lumens, which is less light than is emitted by your average candle.
However, Oodalolly variously calls it a “dazzling light display” and a “soft, colourful light when exposed to short-wavelength radiation”, so let’s not get bogged down in the details.
While it’s available without a prescription or IAEA export permit, the brand says, you will have to agree to some terms and conditions and sit through a video before coughing up £29.99.
Verdict: 2/5
Flävar
Swedish schnapps brand Flävar unveiled a series of lickable, yet stylish vodka-flavoured wallpapers for its April fool. Each would be a boozy 25% abv, and surely not a hazard to small children prone to licking anything they can reach.
Shying away from traditional muted colour palettes often associated with Scandinavian design, the rolls of wallpaper reflect the brand’s most popular flavours: Salted Caramel, Strawberry & Lime, Raspberry & Liquorice and Blueberry & Lemon.
The team said it was hoping to approach IKEA with the new fruity wallpaper later in the year.
Verdict: 2/5
This
A direct appeal to This: Can anyone tell me how much you guys spend on pulling together these regular stunt videos?
This is right on brand. And probably the result of a marketing pop culture fever dream.
And bringing Piers Morgan into it? Given the ample material, it would’ve been rude not to.
Verdict: 5/5
Mash Direct
It seems Mash Direct also got the memo about making its top sellers into a fragrance.
Though a bargain at a recommend £12.99/100ml, if green cabbage eau de toilette is where the market is heading I hope never to walk through the perfume section of a department store again.
Verdict: 3/5
Moving Mountains
Vegan food is rabbit food, gettit?
So, it was a great manoeuvre for Moving Mountains to enter the space and start selling to another market.
The brand claimed the miniature (bunny-sized) burgers would be available in 1kg bags containing 918 high-protein, vegan burger bites.
Verdict: 4/5
Fearne & Rosie
That’s one way to make jam healthier.
Fearne & Rosie claimed to have made a “suitably tender and sweet” jam made with the finest freshly picked broccoli.
While the taste might not be a hit with youngsters, the snot-like colour and consistency is bound to make for an exciting morning meal.
Verdict: 4/5
Robinsons
Creating divisions on this most hallowed of days? Not on, Robinsons.
Its imaginary “succulent ham and juicy pineapple” pizza-flavoured squash is sure to divide.
Verdict: 2/5
Branston
Branston knows its customers. Each one of us surely has a preference on how we like our baked beans and its jape will make for illuminating insights when people start voting for their favourites on social media.
Although, many probably like their baked beans to be Heinz.
Sorry!
Verdict: 4/5
St Austell
It is unfair that so many of life’s every day tools are biased towards the right-handed. It seems only right, therefore, that St Austell should do its bit to fix that with a left-handed can.
Right on. Simple but effective. Putting the world to rights. Sorry, I can’t stop.
Verdict: 4/5
Princes
Princes’ offering will put people everywhere off their breakfast with its stomach-churning tuna whey protein April fool.
Please don’t get any ideas.
Verdict: 2/5
Modern Milkman
The Modern Milkman decided to claim green milk, but not green in the way plant-based, non-dairy milks think of themselves.
Literally green. A seagrass green milk, made from the milk of cows fed with seagrass after farmers were forced to source a more cost-effective alternative to traditional feed. Not implausible given the state of inflation.
Verdict: 3/5
Malibu x Irn Bru
The Scottish have been well and truly spoilt this April. The Irn Bru and Malibu collaboration just works.
Surely this is already a delicacy, and if we’re not doing it, why not?
I hope to see this alongside tinnies everywhere for my summer picnics.
Verdict: 5/5
Burger King
Surely Burger King is simply using this April fool to drum up enough demand to launch these for real?
Fast food fiends, chicken connoisseurs and Dorito lovers across the nation will be demanding them at outlets before long.
If it’s not a ploy to increase demand, it’s a cruel, cruel trick indeed.
Verdict: 2/5
Hancock cheddar
Did you think it could get any worse for Matt Hancock?
A broken marriage? An affair exposed by The Sun? A stint in the jungle? WhatsApp messages leaked to The Telegraph? Hoodwinked by a fake consultancy courtesy of Led By Donkeys?
Well, cementing his status as a joke is a cheddar with his face on it.
Is it because cheddar means money? And Hancock infamously demanded £10k a day? Who knows. But his quips on WhatsApp prove his sense of humour could best be described as zany.
Verdict: 1/5
Nivea x Napolina
A refreshing deviation from the myriad candles and scents in this round-up.
If there were such a thing as a pasta-powered pampering session, I have no doubt it would be amazing.
Verdict: 4/5
TGI Fridays
Don’t threaten me with a good time.
TGIs teased a sweet, salty and spicy treat: a sesame chicken celebration sundae. The Sundae is layered with vanilla ice cream, TGI’s famous Legendary Glaze, whipped cream, candy floss and topped with a sesame chicken strip skewer, it says.
How different can it be from the cult trend of dipping McDonald’s fries into a milkshake?
Verdict: 3/5
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