Our covert campaign to boost grapefruit sales is about to pay off. So far, we’ve only reached the stage of alarmist headlines warning of the danger of the tart yellow orbs increasing the potency of medicines and thus death (© The Daily Mail). So grapefruit have slumped from an already low sales base to, well, not many at all.

However, next week, thanks to a bit of planned Twitter action, the nation’s cocaine users will come to the conclusion that the same effects apply to their drug of choice too. Bingo. Grapefruit on sale in clubs across the land, big bowls of grapefruit in the loos at all the top ad agencies, grapefruit pushers arrested at the school gates. Triple-digit growth and higher vitamin C levels all round. Karoline (with a K)’s justification for this patently evil strategy is that “happy grapefruit growers means less wife-beating on the farms”.

In another blow for feminism, Lucozade has launched Pink Lemonade. Now girls, who obviously don’t have tastebuds sophisticated enough for the real thing, can drink an imitation version of the boy’s drink. If I sound bitter it’s because we didn’t win the pitch. We tried ‘cloudthinking’ as a way to generate a good idea. It’s where a number of you sit around for ages without making a decision. ‘Kiss My Pink’ seemed like a good theme at the time but, as the somewhat staid brand manager said, “may have been subject to ribald comment on Tweetback”.

But if the brand manager is young enough, it seems it is possible to sell them anything. Look at Heinz’s new Facebook app, for example. It “brings to the forefront that Heinz Beanz is [sic] best enjoyed on toast”. Even cloudthinking isn’t dumb enough to come up with that.