Food (8pm, 15 September) has to be the worst piece of food-related TV I have ever seen. It was as if they'd nicked the shittiest bits from every food programme that's ever been produced, made a huge patchwork quilt out of them and then expected the end result to smell of roses. It didn't. It reeked. Of shit.
It didn't help that the presenters were so relentlessly awful. Anna Richardson was her usual stridently vacuous self; Jay Rayner was as incisive as a two-year old inspecting his nappy contents; and as for Ravinder Bhogal I imagine she went down well with any hot-blooded men watching, but she reminded me of Ronni Ancona doing her impression of Nigella Lawson: a pastiche of a TV chef and not a good pastiche at that.
Designated 'food snoop" Harry Codswallop of the Torygraph had the perfect opportunity to raise the standard. But, needless to say, he didn't and his main problem was that his task, as with everything else on Food, was utterly pointless.
I haven't been bombarded with this many useless stats since I sat O-level maths. So what if there are 40-or-so cuts of pork? And who wants to see a cooking demo involving the one cut cheeks that's hardest to find, especially when you've got Rayner declaring: "There's a good chance I'm going to dribble." (Do that, and there's a good chance I'm going to puke.)
Unfortunately, the 'revelations' kept on coming. You wouldn't believe it, but if you leave meat out of the fridge for days it rots. And get this fruit juice contains sugar, though I have no idea what the viewer was supposed to take away from the division of juices into saints and sinners when half the juices on the saints' shelf contained more sugar than those on the sinners'.
And why investigate if it's worth paying more for premium than standard by comparing standard and value, as Codswallop did?
The whole thing was a mess but they saved the worst for last: the cheapest supermarket of the week. Guess what, it was Asda. (I've heard that bears shit in woods too.)
"Everything you ever wanted to know about food and more" was Food's promise. What a joke.
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