So don't be alarmed if you see some surprising brands popping up in unlikely TV shows and a few suddenly blank web pages.
We've scored a couple of early hits and managed to position Vimto as the drink of choice for the policemen in 'Dog Handling Speed Cops Airside Chase!' on Sky3, while Horlicks (I know, we get all the glamour brands at P&F) is an ironic triumph on Daybreak ("if Mr & Mrs Miserable don't put you to sleep, this will").
Meanwhile most of our health clients' websites now look like redacted government documents, with large swathes of claims blacked out or removed. Essentially you will no longer live forever and be either 'radiant' or 'luminous', even as part of a calorie-controlled diet.
We're halfway through Fairtrade Fortnight and God, it's dull. Julian, Miranda's latest City-boy, suggested we launch Exploitation Week in retaliation, promoting proper products for real people, "not arsey-farty fair returns for mung bean growers in Timbuktu".
As it happens, I spent part of my gap year in Mali and couldn't find a mung bean anywhere, so he's wrong geographically even if the idea is a winner. We're working on a slogan and so far 'Buy this you suckers and make me rich' seems to be the favourite.
This is the sort of thing that El Tel could help us get off the ground. Karoline (with a K) swears that she's bagged him as a non-exec director for P&F after a particularly boozy night at the Tesco Sports and Social Club in Milton Keynes. We gasp in admiration at the lengths she'll go to. I mean, Milton Keynes!
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