God preserve us from inter-agency sports.

First it was the PR rounders league, then netball the most spiteful girls' game ever invented and now a PR 'industry leader' (aka drooling male lech) has started a PR beach volleyball contest for London agencies "to get us in the mood" for 2012.

He was in the mood for more than that judging by the strategically placed Telegraph ("At least I need a broadsheet," he spluttered) as P&F's finest examples of womanhood (non-playing coach Karoline with a K) trotted out into the temporary sandpit in Lincoln's Inn Fields.

It was all desperately competitive. Not so much the volleyball. More the make-up, the outfit, and the tan. I scored a three-pointer with Stila sport waterproof, a fetching, if somewhat brief Melissa Odabash two-piece, and a Fortnum & Mason Beauty a la Carte re-spray. The cost of the last of these probably alone accounts for the only bright spot in retail this week: sparkling financials from the poshest store in Piccadilly.

Fortunately we will never need to do it again. Some Strasbourg boffins (for whom no accolade would now be too great) have discovered that if you can't be bothered to exercise, you can get the same benefits from resveratrol, which is found in red wine.

The world of PR is peopled with stick-thin exercise harpies who pore over a Sweaty Betty catalogue with the same enthusiasm that 'Bomber' Haldane Harris has for launching stores. But, joy of joys, we fuller-fronted girls don't have to join in any more. Another glass instead of another class.

All this during National Child Obesity Week, and rather undermining the launch of Oi Fatty! our 'tough love' campaign to get bloated youths to shape up. "Why bovver," said one of the teens, "when wine's so cheap at Ugo?" Don't bank on it lasting, sonny.

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