Karoline (with a K) is talking about something called displacement marketing. Basically you make one of your products so unattractive that shoppers have no choice but to trade up to something else.

It is being adopted across the drinks industry with abvs plummeting like bankers’ self-esteem. The excuse is some nonsense about health. Our swiftly mobilised viral video campaign “As weak as piss but better for you” featuring various distasteful images designed to capture the fleeting attention of the under-16s, is “trending on Twitter” as they say in the playground. As a result, and fortunately for our clients, super-strength remains the product positioning of choice for today’s thirsty teens.

Meanwhile, for most of us getting trashed is becoming harder work and much of the blame can be directed at Andrew ‘Big Hands’ (ask Miranda why) Lansley. Want to axe one billion units of alcohol? “Close the lobby bar for a couple of weeks,” says Tristan, our specky public affairs man, “but leave my Southern Comfort alone”. In hindsight it’s obvious from this alone that he’s gay, but I wish I’d realised before I posted the seemed-funny-at-the-time card. And knickers.

And if Thorntons was relying on Valentine’s Day to lift it out of the other brown stuff it will now be thinking again. Muesli is a much more effective route to a girl’s heart, or diamonds, whichever is more expensive.

I’m pleased to report that I received a number of cards, the ones in crayon clearly from buyers, with several suggesting what they would like to do to my hair and back. (I know. One day I might give you more to go on, but only when I’m ready to be hanged by the Institute of PR for treason.)

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