You may have thought that all women had by now woken up to the fact that diets are a con, possibly part of a male conspiracy to repress the sisterhood, and definitely a waste of time, money and effort. However, the chance to lose 5mm from my (admittedly, already perfect) bum is too good to miss, so when Karoline (with a K) arrives on Monday morning espousing the new ‘Gin & Toothpaste’ diet I resolve to give it a try. I use Hendrick’s, so after a while all I can taste is raita.

For some reason, the rest of week passes in a bit of a blur so my take on the PR stories of the moment may not be entirely accurate. Anyway, Kellogg’s is apparently so desperate to get rid of stuff that it can’t sell (Special K presumably, which is nowhere near as tasty or nourishing as gin) that it’s giving away 15 million breakfasts to poor people. Hurrah for corporate social responsibility, which is rapidly assuming the same terrifying proportions in businessland as health and safety. Plenty of work for agencies in coming up with essentially naff but catchily worthy-sounding ideas.

My GCSE English (passed with distinction, can’t you tell?) seems a long while ago, but Clubcard TV was, I’m sure, mentioned by George Orwell in Nineteen Eighty-Four - as a step too far, even for Big Brother. That’s not stopping Tesco, which may already know more about us than we do ourselves. I’m planning to go teetotal for a month just to destroy its algorithms. Can’t wait to see the programme line-up, though. Fresh & Easy Hour, exploring some of the desolate unpopulated wastelands of California. Black beauty, the Burger Years. SingalongaClarkey, 101 Merseybeat Hits. I may need the 1.5-litre bottle to get through that.

Topics