From now on you can call me Jude. I'm clearly PR's patron saint of lost causes.
Yes, I have been given the frozen foods brief. And in the freezer, no-one can hear you scream. Welcome to the career-ending, bargepole-inducing, -17C "icehole" end of food PR.
It's because Captain Birdseye has been spouting off in the Sunday papers saying, basically, that it's not all quite as shitty as you thought.
This has inspired Karoline (with a K), Puff & Fluff's chief ice maiden, to launch her pet "Frozen is Cool" generic campaign yet again. Picture Jedward singing Ice Ice Baby to Martin Glenn dressed in a polar bear suit and you have a feeling for the level to which I have sunk.
My mood is hardly improved by TV's Dr Dishy, Mark Porter, who pronounces too much water is bad for you, and it would be best to stick to a thimbleful or so during the day. Thus scuppering our secret 'eight litres a day or you'll die like a prune' social media campaign, which is in no way funded by the bottled water industry and has spread like wildfire across the net.
Hoping that a rescuer might appear, up pops the unlikely form of Prince Charles. He's starting a fund to support "the rural way of life".
Moved off frozen food instantly (ha ha, Anastasia) because K thinks I have "regal connections" (and indeed my mum used to slum it at the Royalty Ballroom in Southgate, but that's as far as it goes). Meanwhile, Miranda is deeply jealous and questions my country credentials. Tell her that I live in Hampstead and that shuts her up.
So off to Highgrove for dinner, where I attempt to define the rural way of life with a joke that a Coldstream Guardsman once told me about incest, baler twine, farmhouse cheese and red diesel. Response is as chilly as the Arctic Roll served for dessert.
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Yes, I have been given the frozen foods brief. And in the freezer, no-one can hear you scream. Welcome to the career-ending, bargepole-inducing, -17C "icehole" end of food PR.
It's because Captain Birdseye has been spouting off in the Sunday papers saying, basically, that it's not all quite as shitty as you thought.
This has inspired Karoline (with a K), Puff & Fluff's chief ice maiden, to launch her pet "Frozen is Cool" generic campaign yet again. Picture Jedward singing Ice Ice Baby to Martin Glenn dressed in a polar bear suit and you have a feeling for the level to which I have sunk.
My mood is hardly improved by TV's Dr Dishy, Mark Porter, who pronounces too much water is bad for you, and it would be best to stick to a thimbleful or so during the day. Thus scuppering our secret 'eight litres a day or you'll die like a prune' social media campaign, which is in no way funded by the bottled water industry and has spread like wildfire across the net.
Hoping that a rescuer might appear, up pops the unlikely form of Prince Charles. He's starting a fund to support "the rural way of life".
Moved off frozen food instantly (ha ha, Anastasia) because K thinks I have "regal connections" (and indeed my mum used to slum it at the Royalty Ballroom in Southgate, but that's as far as it goes). Meanwhile, Miranda is deeply jealous and questions my country credentials. Tell her that I live in Hampstead and that shuts her up.
So off to Highgrove for dinner, where I attempt to define the rural way of life with a joke that a Coldstream Guardsman once told me about incest, baler twine, farmhouse cheese and red diesel. Response is as chilly as the Arctic Roll served for dessert.
More from this column
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